Under Joshua’s
Shadow

Author’s Notes
A fictional story blended with multiple themes and intersections of nature, psychology, religion, philosophy, and mysticism contribute to the novel’s linear, yet rich plot filled with symbolism, and abstract higher meaning — if higher meaning exists. Afterall, it is a dark romance novel. The dark themes are essentially a nod to the 20th century psychological perspectives on the human condition post-World War II. That said, I am working on a sequel that attempts to reconsider that perspective. There are variable levels of introspection among the two main characters, Tom and Joshua. In different forms of liberation, one character reclaims his spirituality, while the other discerns it. Tom and Joshua reach dig deep into themselves or reach beyond themselves as they experience needs, grief, floundering sense of purpose, and fleeting transcendent experiences, only to be held back by laws of nature which remind them of their human tolerances as topics of faith and doubt intermingle among denial or ambivalence to stay or let go “without a shadow of a doubt.” There is a lot of subtext, symbolism, and motifs in the novel. Thus, character development is not always central to the plot. Instead, plot also unfolds around characters among hidden allegorical images like biblical names, plants and animal symbolism, and Jungian archetypes. I find it enjoyable when readers share with me their own web of meaning through motifs they personally identify with. For example, without giving too much away, water is a constant motif throughout the novel. I thought about the traditional use of water from my undergrad literature course readings when water represented a metaphor for turning of tides or flux and flow. I also contemplated the use of water from slave narratives and how water could both constrict or set free as in the stories about crossing a river to escape slavery. In biblical terms, water was used to represent the source of life and spiritual cleansing. Whether character development or self-awareness exists among historical symbolism, archetypes, or from mundane moments like sitting on grass to vivid dreams before dying, it is important to understand character development is a more complex and interconnected experience. While writing this novel, I thought a lot about concepts in my literature courses at Chaffey College and at the University of LaVerne, where I learned about literary theory. Concepts to organize and understand literature help one understand nature and life, but theory also makes one aware that complete understanding is not possible because there is always more to learn and see in life. Because exposition should naturally lead to conflict before characters experience change or transformation, I attempted to utilize Plato’s ladder of love, but I did not perfectly heed to Plato’s six levels of ascent, instead I explored the levels of ascent with nuance as fear and faith intermingled between levels. That said, I mostly heed to Plato’s sense of logical exposition in building a story environment and spatial continuum. However, linear versus multi-connected realities do compete for space in my contemporary novel, but I still insisted on structuring a story with that unfolded in a logical or sequential way, with minimal use of foreshadowing, flashback, excessive narrator interference, or jarring surreal shifts in scenes. You will even notice an omniscient narrator usually chimes in at the end of each chapter. But human dreams are a major theme in my novel, for they represent subjective moments of consciousness, so there is an intersection between a Platonian order within the landscape of the story along with a modern humanist character perspective about their own subjective needs. Thus, the adage ‘be careful what you wish for’ is a juxtaposition of what is gained through loss or what is lost with gain. Also, it is through dreaming, lines between reality and imagination blur as characters define what they wish for themselves. Juxtapositions between characters and events represent competing interests, duality, or contrast between oppositions, and you will notice polarity reinforced in scenes about mountain altitude(ascent/descent), earth & sky, seasons, liquids, day & night, to more ephemeral images like light/ shadow, color, temperature, such as when Tom wakes up on a chilly autumn morning in his bedroom. Such oppositions are not necessarily binary, as hierarchy is gradient or it ebbs and flows. In a world where religion says God is in nature and scientific precepts say nature operates on alternative terms, neither side explains the exceptions or the outliers, so while religion has angels to visit earth and nature has birds to miraculously flee the earth, characters are left feeling the gaps, as religious worldview does not need this world just as nature does not need existential meaning to survive. Yet, it between these concepts, gravity is always pulling or pushing on everything at once, and characters evolve within that singular gravitational vortex –a sort of Prometheus flame mastering something to find a way out from darkness inspired by the light of sublime moments like whimsical pink sunsets, orange full moons, sparkly stars, and shiny orange dragonflies to escape man-made structures. Yet ironically structure or a built environment ultimately serves as memory, but for change to occur, one must burn down memory. But when thoughts of ‘we grew apart’ or ‘disrupted love’ feed the mind, then characters need to discern if love is a feeling or a choice. As much as the human spirit changes for love or in spite of it, a shared space is anchored between lovers who grow in the solidness of earth where deep rooted unspoken privacies and insecurities remain hidden in the dark depths of the ground where there is no sunlight yet there is still growth among the roots. Inconsistencies are anchored for creating stagnation or perhaps a techonomic pressure which tests weaknesses and loyalty. Internal and external forces are a pillar in the novel. The weather and conditions place pressure on patience and faith. It is analogous to the act that systems like religion can exert subtle power over individuals who challenge it. Beauty can become mundane by states of anxiety, grief, poor esteem, or an overthinking sensitive heart yearning for the past. Despite perceived or natural occurring forces fighting against truth and beauty, a beautiful song should always end on a high note, yet lovers will continue to test each other’s self-worth all the way to the end or worse question their own worth, as characters seek truth comparing their incongruent relationship dynamics from totally different frames of mind versus what is really objectively obvious — that love can survive if there’s closeness and communication. With that in mind, in the pursuit of building closeness, in two different geographical settings, characters forgot their original earlier promises and fears. Ironically, the highest love between lovers does not grow from forgotten promises and fears of perfection — love ironically grows from memory and earned trust. In spite of the dark romantic undertones, such as bloody scenes throughout the novel, the use of dark tones makes the reader feel the tension between attachment/salvation (fear based) and integration/liberation (self-wholeness). Thus, attempting to avoid a stagnant anti-beauty in the backdrop of the story, to influence character growth, so despair would not anchor them down, evolving intuition both pushes the plot forward and liberates the characters. But intuition cannot fix everything, so I certainly did not aim to have the novel solve all problems or answer all questions. Each character poses variable degrees of agency to learn how to love their inner landscape just as much as they admire their outer landscape. Inevitably, characters swim in a sea of over-the-moon moments or dusty regrets in search of companionship as if love offers a transactional guarantee when it’s found, but the characters privately know, they only find themselves — after the guarantee had expired. Despite polarities and plot twists, characters do possess self-aware identities and life history. It was my attempt to write a story apart from the typical queer male genre often about coming out within a landscape of sex, drugs, and rock-n- roll in replace of a story about queer spirituality. Therefore, sexual identity is not used as spectacle; it is used to enhance intimacy separated by walls of incarceration within the context of individual growth and partnership, and how the two interplay within that separateness. Individuation or transformation can break but it does not necessarily mean love is broken. It simply requires more mending and healing — a sort of restorative justice for love. The question is, in this novel, will justice prevail?